The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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