You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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