it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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