my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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