If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
