I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
