Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize