i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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