my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
