just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize