My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
