well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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