You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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