Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
