Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
