I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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