hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He shit in the fireplace
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
