I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i think my tv is drunk
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
