I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
