Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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