Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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