Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
