whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
