I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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