i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
