the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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