Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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