Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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