Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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