I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize