I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
