She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
