smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
