how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
