Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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