So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Hippo gnu deer
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
