hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
