i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize