I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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