wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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