I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just invented taco cereal.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
