you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
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