So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
