You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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