i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
