I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
