i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
