Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
