I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
