So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Randomize