You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
we're so committed to being not committed
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize