Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
