I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Randomize
