I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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