I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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