Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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