Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
