Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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