Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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