youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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