My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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