I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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