Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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