dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My ass is underappreciated
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
