so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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