True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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